i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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