If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
