You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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