i jhust puked up my retainher.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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