Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
