My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You're like the curious george of whores
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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