Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
