Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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