I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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