We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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