Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dick very happy bro
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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