He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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