and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
