I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
