dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
