I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
