as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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