The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
