She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
