who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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