Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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