you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
