Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
