Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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