her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
