I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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