dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
