I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
