If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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