i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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