he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
