I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
