You smell like a Billy Joel song
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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