i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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