I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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