She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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