I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
