When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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