Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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