the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
