cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
