....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
