Your mouth is God's brothel.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
