I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
