I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
