Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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