That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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