so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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