i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
