if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
