you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
