Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I will pee on everything he values.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
