my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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