just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
