My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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