The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
