just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
