I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
