Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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