They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
