Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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