Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
