I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
